Today is a hard day to be alone. I won't go into all the reasons that I am alone on Christmas, but I will say the reasons are many. Some are my fault, some not so much. None of those reasons, however, change the way I feel about being on my own.
I felt pretty low this morning. I was consumed with loneliness, and it made every task, from making coffee to watching TV, almost impossible. I forced myself to do things while trying my best to avoid those that would give my mind the time to wander. I avoided communicating with the outside world for fear of the dreaded non-reply. And then I took a bath.
I like baths. There is not a whole lot that you can do about anything when you are naked and wet. Even if I needed to leave my house, the bath would always slow that process down. You cannot jump out of a bath, slip into some track pants, and run outside. If you did, you would risk breaking your neck in the bathroom or freezing to death in the snow. Things need to slow down when it comes to the bath. So, even if I set out to read or listen to music, I always end up taking some time to think.
Today was no different. What was different is that today, I came to a realization. I realized that I wasn't sad because I didn't have friends and family who loved me, I was sad because I couldn't be with the people who loved me. I am on my own, but I am not alone.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
